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Tuesday February 5, 2008
(bio, war, mother, public opinion, personality)
It is 1945, autumn in Holland, the War is over. The constant fear has been
replaced by the most luxurious experience of peace and freedom. But for me
(and in due course my younger sister and brother) there is also a new issue
to deal with.
I am 8 years old and back at school, but the premises of my school (the
J.A. de Vuller School) are occupied by Public servants, distributing
food ration cards and carrying out other administrative functions. Us
children are therefore temporarily accommodated in makeshift class rooms such
as garages and the local church. I am at the Oldenhof, located in the
center of the village (Gorssel), diagonally across from the local Municipal
building. It is a large square building, normally functioning as an old
peoples home, on very spacious grounds with a wide lawn in front, trees on
either side and behind the building.
I sit in my bench in one of the class rooms, waiting
with apprehension for the bell announcing the recess period. When it rings,
all others race out of the room while I am slow and the last one to
leave. A central, straight, narrow corridor runs through the entire length
of the building. The front door is locked permanently, with the only way out
to my left at the rear.
I step outside and see my mother, only
30 meters away. She stands behind a barbed wire fence which surrounds a few
low buildings that serve as a temporary women concentration camp.
She is German, therefore a traitor and is serving an 18 months prison
sentence.
She beckons me with her hand and I walk up to her, feeling a
hundred pairs of eyes from school mates and teachers burning into my back.
My mother strokes my head, holds my hand as we talk a little. Sometimes she
gives me a piece of fruit or a biscuit, she got hold off when working in the
kitchen. We part and I join my class mates.
Sometimes she is not there. Then I run left and left again around and to
the front of the building. There is a huge beech tree alongside the
front lawn, its trunk at least a meter wide. I stand behind it, out of view,
watching the street in front, but usually to no avail. Most times one of my
friends comes up to me, "Your mother is waiting for you, wants to see you."
he passes on. I obey, run all the way back to the barbed fence and talk to
her. I love her dearly, but it is such a hard thing to do.
Strange as it may seem, these young, vulnerable days have a hugely
strengthening effect on me. I have to deal with two contradictory opinions.
The general public which considers my parents to be bad and traitors, and I
who knows them to be good, generous, and very brave.
By the time I am 9
years old I have gained an important wisdom many people and especially
public opinion never seem to understand : There is not a single
issue on earth that can be considered and judged in isolation.
This new awareness in me in due course becomes the basis for a life long
skepticism of (and sometimes even contempt for) public opinions, and the foundation
for an unshakeable belief in myself.
I also, at that young age, develop compassion for struggling
individuals, for I have been there and know how it feels.
Over the years I have kept a nagging feeling that I
let my mother down those early days. Only very recently I have come to
realise I did not. For every single time she needed me, summoned me, I did
come to her, held her hand and spoke to her. I feel that I did let someone
down however : myself. But being a small vulnerable boy at the time, I can
easily live with that.
The last time I looked, in 1989 (visiting Holland for my mother's funeral)
the beech tree was still standing there.
July 2008 : I have checked up on the beech tree at De Oldenhof. It is gone, but a new young tree has been planted in its place.
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